Cabbages & Kings

"The time has come," the walrus said, "to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings."

My Photo
Location: Brampton, Ontario, Canada

Monday, November 21, 2005

Photo Caption Challenge V 8.0

Time for another photo.

Click on Comments, add a caption for the photo, win great prizes!!!!

(OK, I'm just kidding about the prizes thing. There are no prizes. Sharing the gift of laughter should be reward enough...)

Sunday, November 20, 2005

No, really... It's a word.

Erik wrote this as a comment to my last posting:

We want UPDATES!

C'mon, it's been over a week... ramble damn you!
[end rant]
Sunday, November 20, 2005 4:53:58 PM

It was posted under the name "Mugwug."
Mugwug is, in fact, Erik. (His secret is out.) Here's something else that Erik wrote recently...

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Zombocalypse.

This book contains reviews of more zombie movies than you thought existed. Being a Zombie Hunter himself, Erik is uniquely qualified to judge these movies, and he does, with his usual sharp wit.

The book is available at, just like so many of my books.

Yet (and here's the bit that irks me) he has sold more books than me and he's only got the one. You see, there's a whole Zombie Hunter community that's buying his book because, well, basically, because it's about zombies. They're just like that.

Now some of, and you know who you are, have bought some of my books and I'm grateful. Thank you. However, there are others of you, and you probably know who you are, who haven't bought any of my books, even though some of your achievements are actually mentioned, by name, in the books. Keep this up and I may just write a book listing some of your other achievements. You know, the ones you don't want your mother to know about. I'm not above doctoring photos, too.

So, to recap...
Zombie movie book: lot's o' fun.
My books: even mo' fun.
You should: buy m'books. Now.

You think I should work on my sales pitch?


p.s. The spell checker wanted to change Mugwug to mucus. I said "No. Leave that to the witches."

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Check the top of his head for a nipple.

As many of you know, my day-job is Operations Director for a security company.
We try to do what we can to dissuade people of the delusion that security is the default vocation for any schmuck looking for a job. Not skilled enough to drive a taxi? Be a security guard. Get yourself killed.
Along with the basic application, we also have a brief written questionnaire designed to identify common sense and clear thinking, while weeding out the moronic and inane.
Below is a list of actual responses from people we did not hire. These are real. The hand-written responses are in italics, verbatim.


* Is not listed

How did you hear of us?

* I was reefered by my man.
* Whore I rent their daughter.

List things a Security Officer should never do while working.

* Unkeep his/her uniform.
* Swear at a mad person.
* Alcohol drinking
* Feel sleepy
* Not influence of drug
* Hand to the pant
* Romantically chase those around station.
* Take off uniform.
* Act crazy
* Undetect and unwriting the report for each impotent event.
* Look profeshanal
* Donging housework
* Talking aimless
* Gun, perfume, tourch, danger thing.
* Allow safety to be in jeopardy
* Try to pick up girls
* Use of cellophane
* Use fowl language
* Lyine
* Loose concentration
* Flow rules

What do you understand about the term "Deportment"?

* Please leave property.
* Comes from the root Deported
* Behaviour of the person or animal.
* An illegal migrant forced to send his/her country
* Team
* No
* Means section; eg Security Deportment, Financing Deportment
* To return to where you was before
* To have removed from this soil and return to theirs
* Helping other people with answer

Define the word "Terrorism"

* Someone who is causing harm to in a cent people
* Create the troubles for the humans
* A terrorism is a fear, which some people make it in peoples
* Somebody's number of group have some Gods and aims for achieve to their goal, they arrange to do some inhumanies and unfairness behavieors
* When someone suffer, no problem

If you are working and a parent comes to you to report a lost child, what would you do and what would you not do?

* I can't talk to my parents in laboor time
* First of all I would not, not help. And second I would get all the info... to help find the child.
* I handle every situation with pace and cool mind
* Use common sense and ask the supervisor if I have no clue.

What would you do if a gas leak occurred outside your home?

* I will make sure there is know fire around. I will never go close to flem. Will keep my body far from it too.
* Leave home. You should never start your car it may cause ignition.
* Don't lite a cigarette.

List things that are important when dealing with the public

* Be clam

* Be professional and palate

* Be alirt

* Greed and instruct

* Smell good!

One applicant listed his status as "A landed immigerewt."

Quotes from interviews:

* "I am a piece of clay and I need you guys to mold me."
* "I am involved with a politician."

Once again, these are from the people we did not hire.
Sadly, not all security companies are as discerning.

Huricane Winds at the Speed of Jackson

Michael Jackson is still working on the song he plans to release as a benefit single to raise money for relief from Huricane Katrina.
Still working on it.
A single.
One song.
Not done yet.
New Orleans has re-opened almost all of their brothels and he's still working on one song.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Back in 1985 "We Are The World" was written, recorded and released in about ten minutes. Of course, back then there were dozens of musicians and celebrities who wanted to work with him.
These days, no one wants to know him.
Well, almost no one...
R. Kelly has joined Michael Jackson on the project (no, really), not only as a performer but also as producer. If you're just getting a producer this late in the game, the project may be having some problems.
Speaking of problems and Michael Jackson, etc... Didn't R. Kelly have some legal problems a few years ago? Something about a videotaped liaison with an underage fan?
So, who's joining the project next? Jeffrey Jones?
Apparently some of the lyrics were found on Pete Townsend's computer, but he said it was just research for a book he's writing.

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