Cabbages & Kings

"The time has come," the walrus said, "to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings."

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Location: Brampton, Ontario, Canada

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Check the top of his head for a nipple.

As many of you know, my day-job is Operations Director for a security company.
We try to do what we can to dissuade people of the delusion that security is the default vocation for any schmuck looking for a job. Not skilled enough to drive a taxi? Be a security guard. Get yourself killed.
Along with the basic application, we also have a brief written questionnaire designed to identify common sense and clear thinking, while weeding out the moronic and inane.
Below is a list of actual responses from people we did not hire. These are real. The hand-written responses are in italics, verbatim.


* Is not listed

How did you hear of us?

* I was reefered by my man.
* Whore I rent their daughter.

List things a Security Officer should never do while working.

* Unkeep his/her uniform.
* Swear at a mad person.
* Alcohol drinking
* Feel sleepy
* Not influence of drug
* Hand to the pant
* Romantically chase those around station.
* Take off uniform.
* Act crazy
* Undetect and unwriting the report for each impotent event.
* Look profeshanal
* Donging housework
* Talking aimless
* Gun, perfume, tourch, danger thing.
* Allow safety to be in jeopardy
* Try to pick up girls
* Use of cellophane
* Use fowl language
* Lyine
* Loose concentration
* Flow rules

What do you understand about the term "Deportment"?

* Please leave property.
* Comes from the root Deported
* Behaviour of the person or animal.
* An illegal migrant forced to send his/her country
* Team
* No
* Means section; eg Security Deportment, Financing Deportment
* To return to where you was before
* To have removed from this soil and return to theirs
* Helping other people with answer

Define the word "Terrorism"

* Someone who is causing harm to in a cent people
* Create the troubles for the humans
* A terrorism is a fear, which some people make it in peoples
* Somebody's number of group have some Gods and aims for achieve to their goal, they arrange to do some inhumanies and unfairness behavieors
* When someone suffer, no problem

If you are working and a parent comes to you to report a lost child, what would you do and what would you not do?

* I can't talk to my parents in laboor time
* First of all I would not, not help. And second I would get all the info... to help find the child.
* I handle every situation with pace and cool mind
* Use common sense and ask the supervisor if I have no clue.

What would you do if a gas leak occurred outside your home?

* I will make sure there is know fire around. I will never go close to flem. Will keep my body far from it too.
* Leave home. You should never start your car it may cause ignition.
* Don't lite a cigarette.

List things that are important when dealing with the public

* Be clam

* Be professional and palate

* Be alirt

* Greed and instruct

* Smell good!

One applicant listed his status as "A landed immigerewt."

Quotes from interviews:

* "I am a piece of clay and I need you guys to mold me."
* "I am involved with a politician."

Once again, these are from the people we did not hire.
Sadly, not all security companies are as discerning.


Blogger Billp said...

I gotta ask... what's with the 'deportment' question? Is there some special Security Professional meaning to the word, that we mere mortals aren't privy to?

(heh heh, I said 'privy')


Thursday, November 10, 2005 11:27:00 a.m.  
Blogger tga said...

Deportment as in how you carry yourself. If we put a uniform on you, will you leave the shirt hanging out and wear mismatched boots?


Thursday, November 10, 2005 3:59:00 p.m.  
Blogger Lene Andersen said...

I think some of them have worked in my building...

Friday, November 11, 2005 12:38:00 p.m.  
Blogger Mugwug said...


We want UPDATES!

C'mon, it's been over a week... ramble damn you!

[end rant]

Sunday, November 20, 2005 4:53:00 p.m.  

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