Cabbages & Kings

"The time has come," the walrus said, "to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings."

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Location: Brampton, Ontario, Canada

Saturday, December 31, 2005

My Evil Is In Flux

Apparently my blog is more evil than Bill's blog.

This site is certified 35% EVIL by the Gematriculator

Of course, the level of evil changes with each post. By the time I finish writing this my evil flux will have shifted.

Not too sure how I feel about having a shifty evil flux, but that's life in the 21st-ish Century.

Alternatively, basic math suggests This site is certified 65% GOOD by the Gematriculator, also.

So, I've got that in my favour. For now, anyway.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

What's Next..? (2006 Edition)

Rob has a list of predictions for 2006 over at AnotherStinkingBlog. He's a real ray of sunshine, isn't he? I was planning on making some predictions myself, but since Rob asked for them, we'll let him think it was his idea.

In 2006...

The last possible "Gee, that Michael Jackson is a freak, isn't he?" joke will be made (by a Zamboni driver in Winnipeg) and the topic will finally be retired from the bemused conversation repertoire of the western world.

I'll find that sock that disappeared in the laundry in 1983 (which will be odd, because I've moved three times since then).

Tim Burton will make another movie I have no interest in seeing.

Axl Rose will release his solo album "Chinese Democracy." (Just kidding about this one. He's never gonna finish that damned album.)

Paris Hilton will shut the hell up and just go away.

There will be a war someplace with lots of fighting. Stuff will be blown up.

Abba will reunite and launch a world tour with Elvis Costello. After three shows, the tour will be canceled because of disagreements about the performance line up. Abba and Costello will argue about who's on first. (I never get tired of that joke.)

Hollywood will continue to strip-mine ideas from old television shows. Next year's offerings will include...

* "Green Acres" an action-comedy with fast cars, slow combine harvesters, big guns and even bigger cows, starring Sam Elliott and Raquel Welsh.

* "My Three Sons" starring Martin Sheen, Emilio Estevez, Charlie Sheen and a spare Baldwin. Gilbert Gottfried will play Uncle Charlie.

* "Manimal" starring Jason Statham. This one's gonna so cool.

George W. Bush will make a rational and sensible decision based on real and verifiable facts. (Hey, I don't crush your hopes and dreams. Let me have this one.)

"A Year in the Death of Eddie Jester" will be optioned for a motion picture. Director Joss Whedon will hire me to adapt the play for the big screen.

Sales of my children's book "Marty Scribbler Was Afraid Of Books" will skyrocket, making me the next H A Rey. (Details soon on how you can do your part for this one.)

I'll make lots of money. Like LOTS. Huge amounts. Piles of money. Bags of money. Bags of mega-lotsedness. Of money. For me.

...And my final prediction for 2006... At last, after all these years, it will finally be ALL ABOUT ME!!!
(I've been waiting for this.)

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Imitation is the sincerest form of... something.

Yesterday on CP24, one of the scrolling news headlines declared, "British Eminem impersonator sentenced to life in prison in beating death of female law student." No other information was provided. This led to several questions coming to mind, not the least of which was, "There are Eminem impersonators?"
More on that later ("Moron. That later!"), but first let's address some of the secondary questions raised by this particular news-snippet.
The specific elements included intrigue me. The basic content is that this guy is going to prison because he killed a woman. Got it. How relevant is the fact that he was an Eminem impersonator? Or that she was a law student? Did he beat her to death because he thought that's what Eminem would do? (Something I'm almost sure Eminem's people would probably deny, given the inclination.) Did he do it because of the kitten theory? (Kittens are cute but they grow up to be cats. Law students may be cute, but they grow up to be lawyers.) Lord knows we could certainly do with fewer lawyers. (Some litigatory twit will probably try to sue me for saying that.)
But we don't know how relevant any of the factors are, because NO OTHER INFORMATION WAS PROVIDED. It wasn't covered on the "real" news on CP24. The yammering news readers didn't mention it all. Not a whiff.
Some of the scrolling headlines are self-explanatory. If, f'rinstance, the headline had read, "Shelly Long receives lifetime achievement award for beating agent to death" that would make sense and be clear to everyone. This headline left so many unanswered questions.
Which brings us back to the main point of pondering...
There are Eminem impersonators?
How low must your self-esteem be for you to base a career on pretending to be someone else?
OK, Elvis impersonating is a booming business and many seemingly misguided but probably quite clever people make a respectable living from it. Ski vacations notwithstanding, the town of Collingwood, Ontario owes its existence to Elvis impersonators.
Cher impersonators, solo or paired with the occasional Sonny clone, can be seen, and paid, quite regularly, as well.
Liza Minnelli and Michael Jackson are also lucrative impersonation subjects, though they both register much higher of the freak-meter than Elvis or his impersonators.
However, you gotta wonder about the second- and third-tier impersonators.
How screwed up does your life need to be for you want to be a Lindsay Lohan impersonator? A Bob Saget impersonator? A Jeff Probst impersonator?
Seriously, below a certain level, "celebrity" impersonation simply becomes a cry for euthanasia.

Thursday, December 01, 2005


A couple of days ago I was reminded of two things, both at the same time.
1/ I am a fairly competent driver; and b/ There is always more one can learn about driving a car.
Where I work, we have a fleet of cars on the road for alarm response. Consequently, we have a fleet of drivers for those cars. About once a year we try to get some sort of advanced driving course organized.
Last year we rented one of the secondary airfields at CFB Borden and spent two days resurfacing it with rubber scraped from the tires of half a dozen rental cars as we learned evasive driving techniques under the supervision of professional race car driver Aaron Povoledo. We had a great time and I came away from it a better driver.
This year about fifteen of us went to the Skid Control School in Oakville. Another group of fifteen will go in about two weeks. At the Skid School they have a specially designed "Skid-Pan" which is basically an extra slippery stretch of asphalt, which is then treated with resin and sprayed liberally with water. The cars are equipped with over-inflated, bald tires and few other nifty little gimmicks. It is all designed to induce loss of vehicle control and skidding, so that you, as the driver, can learn how to regain and (more importantly) maintain control of the car.
It's a wild ride and a hell of a lot of fun.
There is a three-to-one student/instructor ratio and as wild and exciting as it is, the skid-pan is designed to ensure student safety above everything else. Before getting in the skid cars, there is some in-class instruction, which is surprisingly informative, even for someone who's been driving for years.
The in-car experience is almost beyond words. It is exciting, terrifying, nerve-wracking and confidence-building. There is no other feeling quite like being behind the wheel of a car that is moving diagonally in a straight line, yet still being able to honestly say, "I am in control of this car."
In addition to their many corporate, fleet-training clients, the Skid Control School also has individual instruction. As an added bonus, you get a certificate that is worth about a 5% rate reduction with many insurance companies.
Canadian weather is unpredictable, which makes Canadian driving challenging and dangerous. Stack the deck in your favour. Check out this school. The things you'll learn will make you a better driver.
And spinning the car around is a hoot! You'll love it.

adopt your own virtual pet!