Cabbages & Kings

"The time has come," the walrus said, "to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings."

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Location: Brampton, Ontario, Canada

Friday, June 23, 2006

God could use an editor

Last week my son and I had lunch with BillP and our conversation tended, as it does, to wander. At one point we found ourselves reviewing the ten commandments (the original, by God, not the Charlton Heston remake) and I took a somewhat editorial stance. There seems to be substantial redundancy in the whole package.
Let's refresh your memory and then I'll explain what I'm talking about.
* 1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
* 2. Thou shalt worship no graven idols or images.
* 3. Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain.
* 4. Thou shalt keep the Sabbath as the Lord's day.
* 5. Thou shalt honour thy mother and father.
* 6. Thou shalt not murder.
* 7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
* 8. Thou shalt not steal.
* 9. Thou shalt not bear false witness.
* 10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his house, nor his ass, nor his wife's ass, etc.
Okay, the first four commandments are simply God's ego trip and could be covered by one simple commandment: Respect God. Commandments 7, 8 and 9 can be summed up with, "If it ain't yours, you can't have it."
Just so we're clear on Number 9, "bearing false witness" means lying. "Thou shalt not be full of crap."
Then there's the matter of the misinterpretation of Number 3. Back in the day (Moses' day, that is) the act of taking the Lord's name in vain involved making an oath before God regarding something that one knows to be false. The more recent interpretation of substituting the Lord's name in place of "Wow" is actually wrong. That's right, all those times your mother cuffed you in the back of the head for swearing were based on misinterpretation. (Call your mom now and tell her. Or you could wait till Mother's Day and then cuff her in the back of the head.)
To clarify this, here's a couple of examples. According to God's Ten Commandments, it is perfectly acceptable to say, "Jesus H. tap-dancing Christ on a chocolate whole wheat cracker, this Goddamned coffee tastes like crap." However, saying something like, "I swear to God, Honey, you don't look fat in that dress," is wrong and violates God's laws and you'll go to Hell.
Anyway, back to editing the commandments. Here's all you really need...
* 1. Thou shalt respect God.
* 2. Thou shalt respect thy parents
* 3. Thou shalt not murder.
* 4. Thou shalt not have what isn't yours.
* 5. Thou shalt not bear false witness.
That's it, five commandments. It certainly would have been easier for Moses to carry them down the mountain. Of course, if you still want to go with ten for aesthetic reasons or out of respect for the Metric System or whatever, we've now freed up space for new commandments applicable to contemporary life.
Like, say, "Thou shalt not clog email boxes with spam," or something like that.
Give me your ideas.... We need five contemporary commandments that aren't already covered by the five list above.


Blogger Robert said...

Thou shalt be considerate of other drivers on the road.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006 10:18:00 a.m.  
Blogger Gord said...

Am I the only one to notice the obviouse hypocracy of Christianity? Think about it.

Commandment: Thou shalt have no other God before me!
Christianity: Only through Christ can you get to God.

Commandment: Thou shalt not worship graven idols.

Christianity: We worship the cross, and the dude hanging from it.

Commandment: Thou shalt not take the Lords name in vain.

Christianity: Thou shalt not take Jesus name in vain, for he is the lord, who we worship through the medium of a guy hanging from a cross.

You see, Christianity is in violation of three commandments, therefore not the chosen people.

Am I going to hell for this?

Tuesday, June 27, 2006 9:31:00 p.m.  
Blogger tga said...

Gord, to answer you last question first: Yes. Straight to hell, walking in barefoot.

Now, on with the hypocracy... It's a monotheistic faith that worships a trinity. There's bound to be some confusion along with the bad math.

Besides, Christians aren't the chosen people. That's the Jews. The commandments were given to them. Chrisitanity is like the little brother that tags along and he's the last one picked for the street hockey teams when you finally let him play.
And he has to wear your out-of-fashion hand-me-down clothes and laws of faith.


Wednesday, June 28, 2006 10:20:00 a.m.  
Blogger Billp said...

Thou Shalt Not Say "Irregardless". Regardless is fine without the prefix.

Thou Shalt Not Put Soda Water Nor Any Other Kind Of Mix In Premium Scotch. Ice cubes thou canst get away with.

Thou Shalt Not Comapre Michael Buble To Frank Sinatra. Neither Shalt Thou Mention That Version Of Louis Armstrong's "Wonderful World" Which Kenny G Ruined.

Thou Shalt Not Say That The DaVinci Code Is Based On Truth, Unless Thou Canst Actually Produce The Decendant Of Christ.

Thou Shalt Not Rap (Suburban White Folks Only.)


Wednesday, June 28, 2006 1:22:00 p.m.  

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